What the hell happened?

I've been persuaded, for reasons I can't quite fathom, to jump over here to Blogspot and so I have.

Hello.

Apart from this shift, two other interesting things have happened to me in the last couple of days. Number one, I have been 'tagged' in the blog of a friend and number two, I've done some research and found out what it means when you have been 'tagged' in the blog of a friend. Apparently, it's the 21st Century's equivalent of the throwing down of a gauntlet, a challenge to a peer. Sort of. Personally I think it's a much better idea than the gauntlet throwing as I always lost my gloves as a kid and it would therefore be reckless of me to start lobbing them around whenever I fancied mixing it up with anyone.

Anyway, cutting to the chase, what I have to do is called a 'meme'. Now these are usually the sort of things I avoid as they're invariably a list of inane personal questions in which the only thing that becomes obvious about the answeree is the ratio between how much they want to get some sex and how little they're actually getting. And what socks they had on last Wednesday.

This one, however, actually appears to involve a bit of thought and imagination. I'm already aware of the questions involved from reading a couple of other efforts and it seems to be an updated version of an English literature GCSE paper which traditionally involved trying to pretend that Shakespeare wasn't a racist despite Shylock's twin pursuits of money lending and skinning gentiles. Not meaning to brag, I did very well on my English Lit. GCSE (sample quote "Shakespeare was not racist as all Jews like killing and debt collection, and how come in the entire play he never mentions that Venice has canals- you'd think that would come up somewhere wouldn't you?") so, with a the best of intentions, I shall plough on.

First, select your ten fictional characters (from any medium) by whichever method you like best. Then answer the questions below.

1. Rob Gordon (High Fidelity)
2. Josh Lyman (The West Wing)
3. Peter Carter (A Matter Of Life And Death)
4. John McClane (Die Hard)
5. Mark Brandon 'Chopper' Read (Chopper)
6. Tony Soprano (The Sopranos)
7. Beetlejuice (Beetlejuice)
8. John Holman (The Fog)
9. Marty McFly (Back To The Future)
10. Rattigan (Basil: The Great Mouse Detective)

As you may be able to tell, I selected my choice via the method of being a white, middle-class man and I think I've not done too bad really. They run the full gamut from human to ghost (sort of) to rat with plenty of crime fighters, air force pilots and time-travellers thrown in for good measure. Although now I look again they are all blokes. Never mind.

And now, like an episode of Top Gear, but for characters with no relevance to each other whatsoever, we'll set them a series of challenges.

1. Divide the list up by even and odd. Which group of five would make a better Five Man Band (like a Power Rangers team)? Who would you slot in each position: Leader, Lancer (second-in-command), Big Guy, Smart Guy, The Chick? If you think the team would be improved by swapping one character between the even and odd groups, which ones would you switch?

Team A - Rob Gordon, Peter Carter, Chopper, Beetlejuice, Marty McFly
Team B - Josh Lyman, John McLane, Tony Soprano, John Holman, Rattigan

Right then, Team A. Peter Carter's military background and rank makes him the best choice as leader, whilst I'm going to put Chopper in as his second-in-command. They'll be like Mainwaring and Wilson from 'Dad's Army', though with a greater prevelance for shotguns and cheating death. Rob Gordon's the obvious pick for Smart Guy, particularly if their mission involves vinyl records or having shit girlfriends, which leaves Beetlejuice and McFly duking it out over Big Guy and The Chick- so we'd better get J. Fox fitted up for some gingham.

Team B, meanwhile, is swimming in testosterone combining a political alpha-male, an invincible cop, a gangland boss, the only man to survive and become immune to a fog that sends people nuts and a rodent voiced by Vincent Price. It's between Soprano and Ratigan for leader, but I think Lyman would throw his weight behind the New Jersey mobster which get him elected as Leader and install Josh as Lancer. Holman takes Big Guy as McLane is better with a one-liner and therefore is the Smart Guy which leaves Rattigan as the chick- and that goes to show just how cruel losing an election can be.

If Chopper and Rattigan were swapped, the testosterone levels in Team B may actually melt the polar ice caps completely but then you'd have the perfect team in place to deal with the oncoming floods- particularly if we got the opportunity to see Chopper and McLane rucking with an upset polar bear thats just seen it's house turned into a puddle.

2. Gender-swap 2, 8 & 10. Which character would have the most change in their story arc? Which the least? Would any of these characters have to have a complete personality change to be believable as the opposite sex?

That'd be Josh Lyman, John Holman and Rattigan totally getting their two-X-chromosones on. All would be believable as women except Rattigan who, being voiced by Vincent Price, would have to get a woman with a suitably posh-yet-sinister accent to take over those duties and, at the moment, the only person I can think of who'd be up to the job would be Madonna. So, in summary, Lyman and Holman would remain the same, Rattigan would become infinitely more terrifying (and more pretend-Jewish).

3. Compare the matchups of 1 & 8 and 5 & 9. (Ignore canon sexual preferences for the moment.) Which couple would be more compatible? Which couple would be more plausible to people from either principal's home culture?

Rob Gordon and John Holman.

'Chopper' and Marty McFly.

I think that the first two would be the most compatible and most plausible. They're both white, middle class men with a history of relationship porblems with the ladies (either childlish self-obssession or the missus trying to kill them having been sent mental by fog) so a bit of jacksie-jousting might be the best thing for the pair of them. Certainly I don't think they'd be too implausible to their mates if they were understanding enough.

'Chopper' and Marty McFly would, however, be a hell of a lot more fun. I could spend ages here telling you how but, for once, I'm going to leave it to your imaginations. Go on. I can't be expected to do all the work round here. Let me know what you come up with.

4. Your team is 3, 4 & 9. The mission consists of a social challenge, a mental challenge and a physical challenge. Which team member do you assign to each challenge?

Peter Carter - Social challenge- what with him being the only man in film history to cheat death simply via the means of being suave and having a fetching 'tache.

John McLane - Physical challenge- unless the mental challenge involved aircraft that need destroying

Marty McFly - Mental challenge- Anyone who's been chatted up by his mum and kept his marbles is obviously well put-together upstairs. Or from Devon.

5. 7 becomes 1's boss for a week in some plausible fashion. How's their working relationship?

Now Nick Hornby's a very good writer and Steven Frears a fine director, particularly when he has the talents of John Cusack at his disposal. But both the book and film of 'High Fidelity' will forever more seem like missed opportunities for not having Michale Keaton's finest work turn up to boss the place for seven days.

I would imagine their working relationship would eventually flounder as Rob will have been socially castrated in a sense by being usurped in his own shop which will leave him feeling depressed and vulnerable whilst Beetlejuice is a mentalist dead bloke.

6. 2 finds him/her/itself inserted into 6's continuity. As far as anyone other than 2 or 6 is concerned, they've always been there. What role would 2 be presumed to have had in 6's story, and could they fit in without going wonky?

If Josh Lyman had always been in The Sopranos continuity he'd last till about halfway through episode 1 before being whacked for being from Connetticut. And Christopher would try to make Donna his goumad which could only end badly.

7. 3 and 5 get three wishes. The catch is that they have to agree on all three wishes before they get the benefits of any of them. What three wishes would they make?

What three possible wishes could bring Pater Carter and 'Chopper' together. I can only think of the following:

- An end to all war
- But not gang wars
- Someone to actually make sci-fi family drama 'Kramer vs Terminator'

That may be me more than them speaking in the last one.

8. 1 and 2 are brainwashed by a one-time artifact that works even on people immune to mind control to attack and kill 4. They keep their normal personality, skills and competence level, except any Code vs. Killing has been turned off. Can 4 survive? How?

Can 4 survive?! It's John Mclane! Even if 1 and 2 were God and Vladimir Putin he'd still be the only one breathing by the credits.

9. 6, 7, 9 & 10 must help an orphanage full of small and depressed children have a merry Christmas. Who does what, knowing that at the very least the kids will be expecting a visit from Santa?

Well Tony Soprano would play Santa, McFly would be his little helper, Beetlejuice would be responsible for the entertainment and Rattigan would get the orphanage shut down by Environmental Health. Which'd probably upset a few of the orphans but at least they'll have got a sawn-off from Saint Nick.

10. 3 and 8 are challenged to circumnavigate the Earth in eighty days or less, using only forms of transportation invented before 1900. Can they do it, or will they be fatally distracted by sidequests or their own personality conflicts?

This would essentially by exactly like the original film version of 'Around the World In Eighty Days' as David Niven didn't take much of a leap from Peter Carter to arrive at Phileas Fogg. However, instead of the diminutive Mexican Cantinflas doing the Passepartout duties it's John Holman- a government worker whose life is turned upside down when he alone has to fight through London after it's residents have been sent destructively mad in pursuit of some mind-bending fog.

Which would be a bit of a change.

They'd be fine, by the way- Niven would rise above any situation with a fiddle of his 'tache while Holman's inventiveness and hardened edge would stand them in good stead in a tight spot. But instead of doing that, and indeed any of the situations above, why don't we have something much, much better?

Just imagine this- Adam Sandler plays a firefighter who has to pretend to be gay....