I bet you don't like politicians. I don't. They're so false, aren't they? Lying, cheating, swindeling, corrupt bastards the lot of them. Scum, wrapped in tosser, coated in idiot and wearing a suit. That's what you think of them isn't it? Well shame on you. Shame. Because that description of politicians I've just given- that's you that is.
Not all of the time, obviously. That's the difference between them and you. But, like every good politician, you at some point have popped on a nice suit and lied, cheated and swindled your arse off- like you're a raging diabetic and fibs are insulin. Or at least you have if you've ever had a job interview.
Job interviews are ridiculous things. Think about it, none of the important jobs ever have them do they? Optumus Prime never sat down in front of a committee of three Autobots in suits and interviewed for the top job did he? He never had to answer endless questions such as "Optumus, could you give us an example of when Unicron eating someone's planet has caused conflict with members of your team?" and he never had to do a role-play based on using the Autobot Matrix of Leadership to improve productivity in the fourth quarter.
However, if you want to do something trivial and unimportant, like working in a call centre, in a shop or as the England football manager, then you'll be familiar with the hell that is the interview process. In the latter case, the footballers you'll be in charge of will never have had an interview in their life- other than those conducted in front of a board of sponsors logos by a commentator armed with a microphone and platitudes- which probably explains why they're the way they are.
Think about it- most people nowadays find footballers to be about as trustworthy and wholesome as a Russian nuclear reactor, and with good reason, but they can't all be like that just because they have the ability to propel a sphere around some grass with a degree of accuracy. Maybe it's because they never have to look over their shoulder and worry about the next time that they're after a transfer and they have to tell their prospective employers a steaming pile of horse-poo about working in a team and having never had a sick-day since primary school.
That's my main bone of contention with modern footballers really- sure I envy the job and the money but what I'm really jealous of is the fact that they don't have to give a monkeys about anyone or anything beyond whatever they wish. And if you think that's a disgraceful attitude for them to have then I absolutely guarantee that if anyone reading this was to swap places with a Premiership footballer they'd be just as pampered, whiny, self-absorbed and mollycoddled as them within a fortnight. Admittedly, a large part of the population would hate you but who cares? I wouldn't. I only like people because it's easier and more practical than not liking people- if I had to count the number of people I unequivocally like in this world I'd struggle to reach double figures- but as a footballer I'd have far too much money and ego to bother with any of that.
By the way, everything I've just said about Premiership footballers can also be applied to Morrissey. And I bet he didn't have to have an interview to be a pop star either. That said, if things were to turn sour for Moz and he had to get a proper job and have an interview, wouldn't you love to be a fly on that wall?
Personally, I believe interviews and recruitment should be scrapped and replaced by a part-rotation, part-lottery system. The simple fact is that most people could probably do most jobs if they were given a chance. Some jobs which require a specific talent and which don't usually have an interview process, like pop star or poet laureate should still be filled in the current way but everything else should be assigned completely at random to everybody else. Then we could all do them for a year and have another lottery and another big swap around.
Imagine spending a year as a forensic detective then suddenly getting the call to spend 12 months feeding the chimps at Longleat. Then after than you could have a year on the bins before going on to be a tanker captain for Shell or a television bowls commentator- all assigned at random. Life would be so much more fun and exciting and I reckon anyone could pick up any new job in about three weeks if thrown in at the deep end. Plus no-one would ever know what they'd be earning in the next year so no-one could have a mortgage or invest in anything so financial crises like the one the world currently finds itself in would be impossible! We'd just have to live for today and make life up as we went along.
This system would certainly help me out as I currently find myself in an employment doom loop- basically, I need experience to get a lecturing job and I need a lecturing job to get experience. This, clearly, is a situation that could only exist in a world that doesn't work properly and makes a mockery of me spending a year getting my teaching qualification. If my system was imposed, I'd just have to take my chances and see what came up- which I wouldn't have a problem with as that would be the way of things- and if any of you out there became a lecturer then, trust me, you wouldn't need the qualification I wasted time and money getting. If you were good within two weeks, you'd be good for the rest of the year and love every minute of it- so much that you'd be the best educator your students ever have. And if you were rubbish after 2 weeks then, trust me, you'll always be rubbish but at least you'll know you've got less than a year left in the job.
And just think what it would do to politics! And sports! Football would definitely have to be brought into this system as then there'd be no more closed shop at the top of the Premiership as the players are randomly expelled and introduced to teams every 12 months. No two seasons would ever be alike as Chelsea, for instance, could go from a strong team one year to a squad entirely comprised of elderly, blind women the next- and who wouldn't want to see that?
Plus, with a bit of luck, I'd get the call to be a Premiership footballer myself. Then I could just stop caring.
No comments:
Post a Comment